For the last several weeks our floors have been messy and the smell of saw dust floats through the house as my husband (with my dad's help) has been renovating a little addition on the back of our house.
Over the past two years we've used this room as it's originally intended purpose - a workshop and storage space. With chipboard covered walls, a cement floor, and little square windows that let in the cold, it hasn't been much to look at, which is fine for a space that holds tools and tennis rackets and stacks of wood and an artificial Christmas tree. I've barely went back there except to check for leaks when it rained before Loris re-shingled the roof.
But one day (after months of our house being on the market and not selling) we decided to try and turn it into a third bedroom. It would solve our immediate (and yes, first-world) problem of having to keep Miriam in our room since Joshua's room is almost too small for two beds and we were afraid they would keep each other awake all night long.
Suddenly this ugly space began to whisper it's potential and now, with newly framed and insulated walls and a big window and wiring and heat, I'm beginning to think of paint colors and curtains and the wonderful convenience of an extra bedroom and play area on our main floor!
But with this problem of limited space solved, we are questioning our original intent to move. Obviously, our house has not sold, so staying has proven to be the Lord's will for us at this time. But we wonder, should we try and list again next spring? Or aim to settle here?
In some ways, life feels unsettled right now: we are not sure about where we should live or what job direction Loris should try and take. We recently made the decision to stop attending the church we've been attending for the last two years, an action we feel was right but was (and is) so difficult nonetheless. We want to follow the Lord and the convictions we feel He's given us but I don't like the uncomfortable parts that come with such a decision...the worry of hurt feelings or the strain of feeling misunderstood or falsely judged. And now wondering where the Lord will lead us to? On top of these things I've been heavy-hearted lately over growing conflicts in relationships close to me.
What's my point in sharing these struggles? I guess I don't really have one, only that I want to live well in the stretches of life that offer many reasons for tension and doubt and anxiety, not giving in to these feelings but instead looking outward, and up. (Yes, easier said than done.)
In my flesh, I long for everything to be neat and tidy and comfortable, for the path to be smooth. I don't like uncertainty and waiting and not knowing what God has planned for us or those close to me.
The Lord knows this, but as a good and wise Father, He doesn't cater to my childish cravings. Unlike me, He sees and knows all things. I don't need a smooth path, I need to learn to trust Him as I walk the uneven ground. I don't need ease in my circumstances, I need to learn to rest in His love.
He is sufficient, more than enough. He is good, always. He's given much more than I can fathom. He is righteous, and all His doings are perfect.
When I stop to remember these things I'm humbled and ashamed of my lack of faith and grumbling heart.
This weekend we walked with our little ones at a local wildlife reserve. Joshua ran ahead most of the time, delighting in what was around him and excited to see what lay ahead. He had no reason to fear because we were with him.
It's an imperfect example, but remembering it, I want to have faith like a little child.